“I got to be honest, I just don’t think my heart is really in it any more,” said Dolphins owner Stephen M. Ross about his langering, wait, is that a word? What do I mean…floundering? languishing? Yeah, one of those, about his languishing franchise.”When I first bought the Dolphins in 2008, I was really optimistic that we could have a few successful seasons. But it just hasn’t happened. And now it’s just so much work and it seems like the more we do the worse it gets. Maybe it would be best for our fans to just be prepared to write off the next couple decades. Hopefully we can be competitive again mid-century, once our current roster of coaches, owners, and players are retired or dead.”
The Plantain reached out to lone Dolphins fan Chase Black for comment on Mr. Ross’ admission of perpetual awfulness. “It’s been 45 years since our last Championship…I can wait another 45 years,” said Aventura resident as he slipped on a pair of turquoise Crocs over his socks.

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