Worlds and egos collided in Miami last Friday when Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump held a campaign rally mere blocks away from the arena in which Kanye West performed. Although both Kanye and the campaign released statements that afternoon that they were not planning to meet, the Plantain has learned through unreliable sources that the two self-proclaimed geniuses met privately after the concert so Trump could ensure Kanye that he does, in fact, care about black people.
Seeking Kanye’s endorsement, Donald Trump reportedly told him that he “loves the blacks.” Kanye played coy during the meeting about endorsing Trump, saying that in order to do so he needs to be sure a President Trump will address the issues that plague African Americans like affordable housing, gun violence, people not recognizing your genius, and Anna Wintour being an asshole about bringing a 4-year-old to a fashion show. “Is it my fault my baby didn’t like Karl Lagerfeld’s fall collection and started crying? That doesn’t sound like a Kanye West problem to me, fam!”
Trump said that as President he would pass legislation officially recognizing Kanye West as a genius, and was considering putting the rapper in charge of “Making African-Americans Great Again.” He also promised to do everything in his power to make sure African Americans have equal access to housing “even though, to be completely honest, having black people move into normal white neighborhoods is going to depress property values tremendously.” He also said that blacks will become more prosperous under his immigration policy because they will be able to take over the low-paying jobs currently being performed by rapist Mexican laborers. “White people aren’t going to want to do them, so why not let blacks have them? It will be great. Just tremendous.”
During the meeting, Trump also gave West advice for his own planned 2020 presidential run, telling him that he needs to “stop playing it safe” in his public statements. “You’re going to have to say some crazy things to become President. You’re on your way, but the Taylor Swift feud was an example of a missed opportunity. You didn’t hit her hard enough. Look at me, I only hit back, but when I do I hit hard. Look at what I did to that pathetic and disgusting pig Rosie O’Donnell. That’s what you need to do to Taylor to become president.”
Also in attendance was Kim Kardashian, who Trump called an “overrated 8”, and Melania Trump, with whom West insisted he might still have sex. “I’m an irresistible genius,” Kanye said repeatedly to the aspiring First Lady.
The two men were cordial during the meeting, however things became tense after Donald Trump referred to himself as “the original Louis Vuitton Don,” a remark in which Kanye West took great offense. The incident deescalated, however, after Trump explained that he was joking, explaining that his name is actually “Don” and he has, by virtue of having been rich his whole life, been purchasing expensive brands like Louis Vuitton for longer than West. Kanye seemed assuaged by the explanation, but was adamant that he knew it was a joke the whole time and that his perceived offense was itself a genius-level meta-joke. “I’m like the Black Andy Kaufman,” said Mr. West.
Before ending their meeting, Mr. West told the Presidential candidate that he was a genius and a visionary and also Black Jesus, to which Donald Trump responded “sure” and “me too.”