Unprecedented reports of Donald Trump’s @realDonaldTrump Twitter account testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee baffled the legal community on Friday. Speculation included whether the testimony would be considered that of a character witness, victim, or as some sort of accomplice to alleged collusion with foreign nations set on destabilizing American sensibilities.Seated before the senate intelligence panelists, @realDonaldTrump initially appeared reluctant to speak, as though fearful of reprisal. It was not until Senator Angus King (I-Maine) urged the distressed feed to calmly go into more detail regarding its experiences with late-night rants and unrestricted retaliations that the vulnerable profile found its voice.
“Please elaborate,” King calmly advised. “And preferably explain what happened in more than 140 characters!”
To which @realDonaldTrump compulsively responded:
Many people have said I’m the world’s greatest writer of 140 character sentences.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 21, 2014
The confused and flabbergasted Twitter feed seemed surprised at its own outburst, as it shielded itself from waves of camera flashes and scribbling reporters’ pens. It then leaned into the microphone and reluctantly stated:
I am a very calm person but love tweeting about both scum and positive subjects. Whenever I tweet, some call it a tirade..totally dishonest!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 11, 2012
How come every time I show anger, disgust or impatience, enemies say I had a tantrum or meltdown—stupid or dishonest people?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 12, 2012
@realDonaldTrump immediately broke into heaving sobs.
“We recognize you may not have been in control of the situation,” Senator King responded. “But you now have the opportunity to clarify your role in this matter.”
Senate aides shuffled in and out of chambers with boxes of tissues and taco bowls for the @realDonaldTrump, while it switched between emotional outbursts from its varied personalities. At times soothingly eager to be understood then lashing out with hostile defenses, the Twitter feed seemed determined to get the panel’s sympathy.
Pointing accusingly at King, @realDonaldTrump spat into the microphone:
Every time I speak of the haters and losers I do so with great love and affection. They cannot help the fact that they were born fucked up!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 29, 2014
To which Miami’s own Marco Rubio (R- Florida) appropriately responded: “Pero, Que?”
Senator King then followed up by asking if @realDonaldTrump felt incendiary and controversial language was in any way culpable for increased tensions along party lines or open hostilities among national groups.
Should be public execution for all to see-you will end this bullshit fast!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 20, 2013
“But Mr. President’s Twitter Feed,” Rubio interjected, “our sources suggest-”
….it is very possible that those sources don’t exist but are made up by fake news writers. #FakeNews is the enemy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 28, 2017
Arkansas’ Tom Cotton (R) threw a softball to the feed by asking if, in its opinion, social media had any influence on the election or on the integrity of the Trump campaign and subsequent administration.
“Seems hard to believe that @Facebook could be worth that much–” @realDonaldTrump contemplated:
Seems hard to believe that @Facebook could be worth that much–be careful if you invest. And Mark Zuckerberg–get a pre-nup.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 18, 2012
The Fake News Media works hard at disparaging & demeaning my use of social media because they don’t want America to hear the real story!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 29, 2017
“Yet President Trump has over 23 million followers on Facebook and you, @realDonaldTrump, have over 34 million!” Cotton exclaimed, eyes alight with eagerness for approval. “Surely those numbers speak for the president’s popularity and awesomeness. I dream of a time when all of The Internets have a totally homogenous following of @realDonaldTrump loving fans. And screw the rest of those sub-groups and dissenters!”
Despite King’s interjections to determine if Senator Cotton actually had any questions for @realDonaldTrump, the Twitter feed confidently bolstered its own credibility against the mention of Trump’s critics.
Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,it’s not your fault
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 9, 2013
Amazing how the haters & losers keep tweeting the name “F**kface Von Clownstick” like they are so original & like no one else is doing it…
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 3, 2013
As @realDonaldTrump paused for a moment to catch its breath and consider what it had just said, Senator King took the opportunity for one final challenge.
“Mr. @realDonaldTrump,” King declared. “Do you not consider the name calling, the commentary, and the criticism offered on social media a right to free and open expression offered by the Constitution you swore to uphold and protect upon taking office?”
Nobody would fight harder for free speech than me but why taunt, over and over again, in order to provoke possible death to audience. DUMB!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2015
First there was the Declaration of Independence, then there was the Constitution. Now there is #TimeToGetTough. Available today.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 5, 2011
Following this comment, King was overheard asking a staffer: “Did he just plug his own book and compare it to the Declaration?”
@realDonaldTrump promptly cleared its throat, knocked over its mic stand, and stormed out of the chambers while thunderously applauding itself.
Following the historic testimony, the panel called upon Twitter’s co-founder Evan Williams to explain his platform’s role in potentially compromising the Oval Office. The profoundly influential media mogul simply shrugged his shoulders, hung his head, and said: “If it’s true that he wouldn’t be president if it weren’t for Twitter, then yeah, I’m sorry.”
By Bradford J. Treacle