The Environmental Protection Agency, under new head Scott Pruitt’s leadership, announced Wednesday that it will continue to allow airplanes to spray chemical directly on the nation’s food supply, a decision that has earned the ire of your vegan friends on Facebook. “Big agra at it again! #woke” tweeted your friend Shelly from high school who now goes by “Devorah” for some reason. Anticipating dissent from the food-eating public, Mr. Pruitt also that he would be lifting regulations preventing use of airborne chemical sprays directly on protesters. “This is an important regulation” said Mr. Pruitt, “paid aggravators like Devorah are causing a lot more damage than a boll weevil ever could.”
Pruitt pointed out that 18 states are considering new laws to limit political protests. “While I like the one that allows you to run ’em over, imagine how many more you can take out with Raid-spraying crop-duster drones!” said Mr. Pruitt. When asked how he thought the public would react to this new regulation, the EPA chief said he anticipated his decision to be the subject of anger and criticism. “I encourage those upset at my decision to take to the streets and protest,” laughed Mr. Pruitt.
President Trump released a statement of support for the new EPA regulations, writing “Scottie Pruitt is doing great things. Even though there is no conclusive evidence that people are causing climate change, it is clear that fake protesters like Devorah are changing our political climate in horrible, horrible ways and must be stopped.”
Several hours later, Trump continued his praise of Mr. Pruitt’s regulation, tweeting “Terrific job, Scottie!” and adding: “While we’re at it, we should spray the Mexican border! A dose of Agent Orange will make those fence-jumpers think twice,” a comment that caused the entire Twitterverse to refer to the President “Agent Orange,” a nickname that caused President Trump to grow very angry, although if he is being honest with himself, he knows he kind of walked into that one.
By Glenn Terry