The Arnez family of Pinecrest wants you to know they are struggling just like the rest of the world. Since the pandemic, the family of four was forced to upgrade to a larger house because their Coral Gables home started to feel “a little too crowded.” Things only got worse when the sale of the Coral Gables home only came in at 10% above their asking price. But it wasn’t until all of their tenants in their Redlands investment property lost their jobs and they found out local restrictions made it damn near impossible to evict them for non-payment that the Arnez family decided they needed to be proactive about their finances.

“This Coronavirus is just so inconvenient,” said Zachary Arnez, an insurance litigator. “On top of everything else, because I make several hundred thousand dollars a year, we didn’t even qualify for the stimulus money. Once again, the Federal Government leaves the upper-middle-upper class people like me out to dry.”

Mr. Arnez told the Plantain that “instead of complaining about things like those liberals in Congress,” he decided to call his colleague Brett, a corporate tax lawyer, and had him incorporate his family as a limited liability corporation. “It’s one of the best financial decisions I’ve ever made outside of my uncle having founded Bacardi.”

“We’re technically a regional airline now” laughed his wife as she poured a 2PM glass of wine. The Arnez Family Airline, LLC, is now set to receive $4.6 million in government subsidies, which they plan to help pay for food and shelter…on their upcoming winter vacation in Fiji, as well as pick up several distressed properties once the housing market collapses.

We asked Mr. Arnez how he and his family could just call themselves an airline all of a sudden. “We’re an airline, you can check the records,” he told us. We asked him if he were really an airline then where did he fly and where are his planes. “We have no planes or flights scheduled,” he said before reasoning “that’s why this bailout is so important for us.”

The Plantain tried to speak with Zachary’s colleague, Brett Wilkinson, himself a Panamanian chartered cruise vessel receiving over $2.5 million in government bailout money, but he refused to sit down with us without a retainer. He did tell us, however, that because he is technically flagged in Panama, he is in the process of applying for several grants set up for Hispanic businesses.

Author’s Note: Shortly after turning in this article, I was fired from this job without severance. Thankfully, I make less than $75,000 a year and would be eligible for an additional one-time payment of $1,200, assuming Congress will pass such help, which they won’t. My rent is $2,400 a month.

Author’s Second Note: On the advice of counsel, I have incorporated as the Kennedy Center for The Arts.