The commute for students of Miami’s Al Crespo Memorial Elementary School got a little longer this week as the school finalized plans to relocate its campus from its longtime Edgewater location to Severodonetsk, Ukraine. “We really didn’t want to move,” admitted the school’s Principal Vivian Alcarez, “but it was the only way we could be sure the school received enough government funding for its after-school arts programs and to replace our outdated textbooks.”

Immediately upon announcing the school’s plan to move, Principal Alcarez was informed by a spokesperson for the Defense Department that the school would be receiving 1.2 billion dollars in direct aid for the students which will allow her to finally purchase a new overhead projector for Mr. Luntz’s visual arts class and as well as an MGM-140 Army Tactical Missile System she was told was specifically earmarked in the grant.

“The Federal Government unquestionably supports the education of American students and the MGM-140, made by our good friends at Lockheed Martin (NYSE: LMT, $389.41
+16.55 (4.08%)), is the type of surface-to-surface missile system that any school would be glad to have,” said Nancy Pelosi, speaking loudly enough for her husband’s stock broker to hear. When asked how an elementary school would benefit from an advanced military system, the House leader said “I don’t know…physics or something, I gotta go, ZOINKS!”

The Plantain spoke to several students about now having to commute approximately 13 hours each day via a fleet of newly painted schoolbus-yellow 747 Dreamlifters produced by Boeing (NYSE: BA, $133.15, +0.75 (0.57%)). “It’s kinda far,” said 8-year-old Damien Cortez, “but the plane has Wi-Fi on it and computers for playing Roblox, so I think it is a good tradeoff.”

“Listen, of course ideally we would be able to give the domestic education of our children the same sort of fevered prioritization that we do Eurasian border disputes,” said Principal Alcarez as she admired the newly printed U.S. History textbooks which have replaced the chapter about the Nuclear disarmament movement and Bush-era protests by Democrats against interventionist wars with a new chapter in which a cartoon panel of Peppa Pig (She/Her/Pig) teaches the children about what to do in the event of a nuclear attack.

“Go find your mummay and dadday,” informs the British piglet.

The Plantain sought comment from Governor Ron DeSantis who said he would not be able to provide one until he had better polls.