Jonathan Davis, a 33-year-old Best Buy employee, is prepared for the viral fame and inevitable burn wounds he will garner following Monday’s Fourth of July holiday after he drunkenly tries to launch a firework from between his teeth. “I know it’s dangerous,” said Davis, “but being scared of danger is for pussies,” said the Florida State graduate.
Mr. Davis got the inspiration for the stunt after his friend “Fat Mark” showed him a clip of Jacksonville resident Chip McClintock attempting the same stunt. Mr. McClintock, also a Florida State graduate, died of his wounds.
“I showed Jon Jon the clip and bet him that he was too much of a faggot to try it,” said Fat Mark. After accepting his friends challenge, Fat Mark and Jon Jon, who kissed once and have been close friends since pledging Pi Kappa Alpha in 05′, started to plan the stunt.
“We are taking a lot safety precautions,” said Mr. Davis while seated next to his exasperated fiance, former Florida State attendee but not graduate Heather Schmidt, who insists she never liked Fat Mark but nonetheless had sex with him three-times during junior year, before her and Mr. Davis became “serious” but well after they started dating, a fact Mr. Davis has never been told. “For instance, we are going to have a wet rag to wrap around my head in case my face catches on fire, and I’m going to wash out my mouth with chocolate milk before lighting the rocket so the alcohol on my breath doesn’t ignite.”
“I think he is being really stupid,” said the unemployed Ms. Schmidt who plans to wed Mr. Davis in October. “He better not mess up his face before the wedding.”
But Mr. Davis is confident he will be fine and that the attention he will receive following the video’s online release will pay for the upcoming wedding, and may even be enough to help him renovate his man cave and purchase Ms. Schmidt a breast enhancement that Mr. Davis and Fat Mark both agree that she desperately needs. “We’re going to be millionaires,” said Fat Mark. “Can you imagine the number of hits we’ll get after Tosh.0 and Ridiculousness finds out about this.”
When asked to respond to her fiance’s plans for his anticipated cash influx, including his plans with Fat Mark to purchase her a “much needed” breast enhancement, Ms. Schmidt let out an irritated moan, muttered “you got to be fucking kidding me with this shit,” and left the room to have a Newport mentholated cigarette.