“We need to support a free Cuba,” said Republican Governor Ron DeSantis to his wife before climbing into bed with her.
“What, Ronnie?” his wife asked as she rubbed the back of his neck.
“Sorry, babe. Force of habit. I just had a heck of a day what with all those Cubans in Miami rioting on the street. I had to repeal my new anti-riot bill just so those fuckers wouldn’t get arrested–“
“Ronald Dion DeSantis! Watch your language! The lord is listening.”
“Sorry. I’ll put a nickel in the swear jar tomorrow. It’s just so dang hard being Governor of Florida,” Ron said as he looked into his wife’s eyes.
“I know it is,” she replied as she brought his hand to her lip for a gentle kiss. At that moment, the stress of the day went away and Governor Ron DeSantis remembered what was really important in life.
“I love you, Sugarbee. But enough of about me. How was your day?” the Governor asked his wife who went into a long story about her sister or something. After twenty minutes and the conclusion that Governor DeSantis’s sister-in-law was being a real “see you next Tuesday”, the couple kissed again and went to sleep in each other’s arms as they have every night for the last 11 years.
As Governor DeSantis slept he dreamed that thousands of Floridians had taken to the streets to demand an end to Government oppression. As they chanted in unison they took over freeways. They broke the windows of businesses. They demanded change. In the dream, Governor DeSantis was tasked with responding to the angry crowd, but no matter how close he got, as he approached the protestors he couldn’t make out what they wanted. Were they African Americans wanting an end to police violence? White people wanting to brunch without masks? Hispanic dreamers wanting to remain in their home? Or the good kind of Hispanics wanting Cuba to be free? He couldn’t tell, but nevertheless, dream DeSantis needed to make a choice. Were these criminals or patriots? Was this a protest or a riot?
“You need to tell us what to do!” yelled a police officer in the dream who was also Sasha Velour from Season 9 of Ru Paul’s Drag Race (one of the DeSantis family’s guilty pleasures). As the crowd of protestors approached a line of police officers with their guns drawn, the cops looked at the Governor for direction.
“Don’t be a pussy, Ronald!” said Officer Sasha Velour, who was also now Ron DeSantis’s father. “Don’t be a pussy, Ronald. Make a decision. Are these protestors or rioters? What is your choice!” Officer Sasha Velour DeSantis screamed.
“I don’t know! I don’t know, daddy. I don’t know what to do I just want you to be proud of me–I just want to make you proud.” Dream Ron screamed before being jostled awake.
“Ronnie! Ronnie! It’s okay it’s only a dream,” his wife said calmly as she caressed his waking head.
“Are you okay, Ronnie?”
Governor Ron DeSantis paused for a moment and looked deep into his wife’s loving eyes. As he did he tried to remember the dream but the details faded from his consciousness quickly. Something about Sasha Velour walking along the highway? It didn’t matter.
“Oh, I’m okay, Sugarbee,” he said to his wife. “Can we just lie here for a minute? It’s going to be another stressful day at work.”
“Of course we can, Ronnie,” his wife said as she put her head on her husband’s chest and started bringing up her sister’s bullshit again.