Florida has reported a record-low number of unemployment claims filed this week by residents following a system-wide failing of the State’s unemployment website. The Plantain spoke to Governor Ron DeSantis, who said that the sharp decrease should be viewed as proof of his administration’s success and not the result of mass incompetence and systematic underfunding of the State’s unemployment program by his and former Governor Rick Scott’s administrations.
“The fact that we have had no residents successfully file for unemployment shows you that we are doing everything right,” said Governor DeSantis before he cracked open a cold Brewsky, took off his shirt, and started to vibe to some Brooks and Dunn.
The Governor said he believed the inability of people to file unemployment claims meant that there had not been an increase in joblessness in Florida, arguing that if people really wanted to file for unemployment they would pull themselves up by their bootstraps and find a way to do so. When confronted with the fact that the State’s unemployment website had crashed, Governor Desantis said if people were really desperate they would call the Government and ask for help. When asked whether any such calls had been made, DeSantis said he was unsure, telling the Plantain that more than 2 million calls had been made and have gone unreturned to the unemployment office in the last week, a number he admitted was high, but chalked it up to the great job he was doing.
“Look, when you have the lowest number of unemployment claims filed in State history it’s not unreasonable to expect millions of people to call you up and tell you you’re doing a great job,” said DeSantis before breakin’ out his acoustic guitar and playing along to “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.”