Following her confirmation yesterday as the United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos vowed to increase STEM funding through a public-private partnership with multinational oil company ExxonMobil in a move education critics are calling “completely made up to make a point about how god-awful and unqualified Betsy DeVos is to run the Nation’s educational system.”

Education policy experts identify science, technology, engineering and mathematics disciplines as increasingly valuable to America’s workforce of the future.

“This program will unleash energy on American students and grow business bigger and better than traditional Earth Sciences classes,” praised President Trump, who started shouting “America First!” of the Nation currently ranked 14th in the world in education.

Curriculum partner, ExxonMobil, will provide an innovative e-textbook, “Fuel the Future,” that guides students through combustible hands-on lab experiments. The promise of fewer equations and more explosions has increased enrollment in science classes by 1200% since the announcement of the program.

“Frackman,” an accompanying app game will allow students to immerse themselves in the natural resources world as they eat mountaintops and dodge ghosts for points and academic credit.

In exchange for the ExxonMobil’s educational tools, the nation’s public schools students will provide the world’s ninth-largest corporation with comprehensive demographics and marketing data.

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