The Plantain has learned from highly questionable sources we made up that the Trump administration will name former KGB Chief Alexandrov Vladimir Oblast as the new FBI head.The move comes after President Trump fired previous FBI Director James Comey, a decision the Trump administration says has nothing to do with Director Comey’s ongoing investigation into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russian government, so just be cool about it and quit asking.
The new FBI Director, Alexandrov Oblast, made his career in espionage, serving as the former head of Russia’s KGB. “I look forward to serving United States,” said Mr. Oblast, who insists he will be impartial in his investigation of Russian involvement in the US election, an act he says most likely didn’t happen and that he wasn’t involved in it even if it did.
The Plantain spoke to Mr. Oblast and asked what he thought would be the hardest part of his new job, to which the 54 year old Russian said it would be learning how to spell “Bureau” consistently. “I never can get it right,” admitted the Russian spy.
There has been limited word from the Trump administration regarding the change, save from a short press conference by Sean Spicer, who said: “Comrade Alexandrov Vladimir Oblast has vast experience in espionage and will be a great improvement over Comey” before briefly pausing in order to trace back exactly how he went from being such a well respected young boy in Rhode Island to the mouthpiece for such an unrelenting bloviator.
Editors Note: The Plantain inadvertently used a photo of Russian Army Gen. Nikolay Y. Makarov instead of Alexandrov Vladimir Oblast which, it turns out, is actually township Northeast of Moscow.

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