Frank Artiles Resigns From State Senate, To Be Replaced By Giant Burning Cross

Frank Artiles announced Friday that he has decided to resign from the Florida Senate to “focus on his family” and “make $400,000 a year as a lobbyist.” Artiles’ resignation comes just three days after he was caught referring to several of his Senate colleagues as “niggas” and “bitches”, words his mother says he learned from all that rap music he listens to.In a prepared and stilted apology that he read from Senate chambers on Wednesday, Artiles said he regrets any offense by his comments, but explained: “I”m like from Hialeah, bro! This is just how we speak, my nigga.”

Artiles’ departure from the Senate dwindles the Republican’s leadership to still enough of a majority to do anything it wants to do. Florida’s Republican party said that it will use Artiles’ fall from grace as a “teaching moment,” explaining that in 2017 it’s important for politicians to only have racist policies, and not use racist language.”

A special election for Artiles’ seat is expected in the next few months. While the Democratic party is eager to lose the seat again, political insiders suspect Republican candidate A Literal Giant Burning Cross will be very popular among local voters. “Sen. Artiles’ comments were disgusting,” said the Literal Giant Burning Cross in a statement to the media. “That sort of rhetoric has no place in today’s Republican party.”