After failing to raise the private funds needed to complete the partially-built Frost Science Museum, the museum’s board has voted to liquidate the project’s existing assets.
The majority of the site has been purchased by and will be converted into a Panther Coffee. “While we were looking forward to bringing a world-class science museum to Miami, we simply could not raise the funds needed to complete the project and have been forced to liquidate the museum’s assets,” said an irritated Phillip Frost. “Apparently Panther Coffee is the only local institution anyone has any interest in supporting,” the disgruntled billionaire added.
The announcement that the museum site will become the local coffee-shop’s fourth location has been met with near universal celebration from the community. “Panther Coffee is like a Miami institution, so a downtown location is super great news,” said self-described “cultural curator” Emilio Zemora. “Fuck science,” he added.
Groups of cigarette-smoking, tattooed locals in high-waisted leggings and fedoras have already begun to line up near the former museum site in anticipation of the coffee-shop’s grand opening.
In a separate transaction, actress and Neutrogena spokesperson Hayden Pannettiere has purchased the domed building adjacent to the science center that was slated to be the site of a world-class planetarium. The actress plans to convert the planetarium into the “Hayden Pannettierium”, a movie house that will feature Pannettiere-centric content such as old Heroes and Nashville re-runs and weekly-showings of “I Love You, Beth Cooper”.
“The Hayden Panettierium will be the only planetarium named after Hayden Panettiere,” the actress told reporters three-times-fast.
UPDATE: The Plantain has been informed that Neil Degrasse Tyson, director of New York’s Hayden Planetarium, has filed suit against Hayden Panettiere for trademark infringement, alleging that “the Hayden Panettierium is too similar to the Hayden Planetarium and that Hayden Panettiere needs to de-Panettierium her planetarium if she wants to operate in this millennium.”