Appearing as ghostly visions above the City of Miami Cemetery on Northeast 2nd Avenue, the ghosts of late nineteenth-century city pioneers Julia Tuttle and Henry Flagler urged the citizens of Miami to, in their own words, "repeat what they said because we can't understand a god-damn word you are all saying."
"I've been floating all over the city, from Lemon City to Biscayne Bay and, I mean, it sort of sounds like English," said Tuttle, the notable Businesswoman known colloquially as The Mother of Miami. "But at the same time also like Spanish."
"It's like the entire city is speaking English and Spanish interchangeably, as fast as they can, with a bunch of marbles in their mouth," interjected the exasperated spectre of Flagler, the prominent industrialist and founder of what would eventually be the Florida East Coast Railway. "Also, Spanish! Why is everyone speaking Spanish here? Has Spain colonized the lands north of Cuba as well? I've tried to find out from locals what is going on, but I can not decipher what on earth they are saying."
The ghosts of the city founders were last seen in what is now Little Haiti, unsuccessfully trying to communicate with Haitian Creole speaking citizens using what elementary French they learned from boarding school.
When asked by Plantain reporters whether Tuttle was aware that the City named a causeway after her that was most famous for being the site of an encampment for sexual deviants, the insulted apparition quickly vanished, saying only that Miami was not "the type of city in which I want to be associated".
Unconfirmed reports suggest Ms. Tuttle and Mr. Flagler have reappeared in a 55+ community in Boca Raton.
By Ernie Hsiung