Following last week’s mass shooting at
an Orlando nightclub, a San Bernardino office complex, a fucking elementary, I mean middle,
I mean high school,
I mean college campus, the Ft. Lauderdale Airport, Republican lawmakers and gun-rights advocates insist that the preventable tragedy was, like all gun tragedies, completely unpreventable.
Reading from a script, Florida’s Governor Rick Scott and Lieutenant Governor Nagini vowed to pray “extra hard” for the victims of this tragedy. “Nagini and I aren’t messing around here. We really are going to go hard on our prayers this weekend,” said the Governor in Parseltongue. “It’s the least we could do.”
Actual news organizations report that the alleged shooter, a twenty-six-year-old with a history of mental illness named Esteban Santiago who the left is happy to point out is not foreign and the right is happy to point out is not white, was allowed to check the gun he used to kill 5 people and retrieve it from baggage claim upon his arrival in Florida.
“There was literally nothing we could do to prevent this,” said NRA spokesperson Brad Peniston instinctively seconds after the shooting had been reported, adding, “so it would be stupid to try.” When asked whether Mr. Santiago should have been allowed to have a gun in the first place given his history of mental illness and reports that he contacted the FBI to alert him that voices in his head told him to fight for ISIS, Mr. Peniston twitched, paused for what appeared to be a moment of serious introspection, then remembered his programming and started to nervously sputter out something about rights and prayers.
The TSA says that it has launched a full investigation into the incident, but noted proudly that Mr. Esteban did not have more than 3.4 ounces of liquid on his person at the time of the shooting. “He attempted to bring a half-drunk can of Arizona Iced Tea through security on his way to Ft. Lauderdale, but we were able to stop that. And that’s something.”
Editor’s Note: Tragedies that can be prevented through changes in policy are already politicized. If you want meaningful gun regulations Tweet your Member of Congress or write/call your Senator or Congressperson:
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