After learning that Dwyane Wade was leaving the Miami Heat for the Chicago Bulls, self-proclaimed “Heat Lifer” Arturo Ramirez started gathering his collection of D-Wade jerseys from around his house. “I need to burn this traitor’s jersey,” said the 38-year-old waiter. “I just can’t believe he would leave Miami for only $7.5 million more!” said Mr. Ramirez, who left his last job at Buffalo Wild Wings for a waiter position at Johnny Rockets that offered $1.25 more an hour and a free shift milkshake.
As Mr. Ramirez poured lighter fluid over his $69 red replica road jersey, $75 “White Hot Heat” jersey, and $45 throwback “Floridian” jersey, a tear rolled down the divorced father-of-two’s cheek. “It’s such a shame. This is like $200 worth of memorabilia.”
It has been a rough couple of years for Heat fans, and Mr. Ramirez in particular. “I really don’t know how much more of this I can take,” confessed Mr. Ramirez, “financially.”
As he looked down at the pile of expensive athletic wear he was about to needlessly destroy, Mr. Ramirez contemplated the years of rebuilding his favorite team was set to endure, as well as the total value of the jerseys he has burned. “In the last few years alone I burned around four LeBron jerseys, a Norris Cole jersey, and a Tyler Hansbrough jersey just last week. I also recently destroyed my “Feel the Bern” sweater,” admitted Mr. Ramirez.
As the man threw his cigarette onto the stack of Wade jerseys, he sighed “I hope Hassan Whiteside doesn’t do this to us.”
As the pile set ablaze, Mr. Ramirez stared deep into the flames, thinking about his mounting credit card debt and back child support payments, and wondering when he would be forced to burn the pair of Goron Drajic jerseys he purchased last year.