It’s GIVE MIAMI DAY! Which means your friends are pressuring you to donate your hard earned money to a bunch of charities and non-profits who want to selfishly spend it on making the community you live in a better place. Those jerks.
Last year Give Miami Day raised over $7.1 million and this year the communists behind the plot expect to raise even more. To get to the bottom of this, the Plantain searched through the more than 600 registered Give Miami Day nonprofits to find the worst ways you can spend your money:
1) Zapatos para pata sucios – Established in 2014, this non-profit goes to popular Miami nightclubs and less popular gas stations and provides shoes to pata sucios. “This is like a super important issue,” said a bunion on the bottom of this very attractive red head’s left foot as she stumbled across Alton Road at 1:30 AM.
2) Gulliver School – The exclusive private school is seriously seeking your money with the hope of raising enough for an onsite valet so Marissa doesn’t have to walk too far from her Spanish Class to her S-Class Mercedes so she can get to the Starbucks on 67 and US 1 in order to surreptitiously smoke cigarettes and tell her friend how her step-mom was being like such a bitch last night.
3) Sweaters for South Florida – Non-profit established by your coworker who insists anything under than 77 degrees is “sweater weather”. Founder Xavier Johanson says that though SFSF will do absolutely nothing at all (so don’t even ask) to help reduce South Florida’s homelessness problem, they will make sure that all of the homeless people that line up South Florida’s streets are balmy and never even the slightest bit cold.
4) The Gloria Estefan Medical Fund – The Miami Icon and Stage-4 Conga survivor has set up a fund to help those diagnosed with the fire of desire turn the beat around and get back on their feet.
Know of any more nonprofits that need to be identified? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.