As Hillary Clinton addressed the nation at the Democratic National Convention Thursday night to accept her party’s nomination for President, the former Secretary of State had a message for Russian President Vladimir Putin and his cadre of hackers who helped orchestrate the release of thousands of emails from high-ranking members of the DNC: Break into the IRS’s servers and find Donald Trump’s tax returns.
“Do not believe anyone that tells you that he alone can make this country better,” said Secretary Clinton in a speech that she has literally thought about every day of her adult life. “We as a Country are stronger together and I cannot do it alone. I need the men and women of this country to help me defeat the hate and fear of Donald Trump. I need them to knock on doors and to make phone calls and to vote on November 8. And I also really need the help of the Russian government to stop looking for my damn emails, which really wouldn’t say anything interesting if they existed, which they don’t, or they found them, which they won’t, and start looking for Donald Trump’s damn tax returns!”
Republican critics immediately pounced on Clinton’s comments as “vastly inappropriate” and “I irrationally hate that bitch.” In a Tweet immediately following her statement, Donald Trump himself responded:
When asked for a comment on whether his request for the Russian government to hack and release Secretary Clinton’s emails was also treasonous, Mr. Trump responded: “I never said that, but of course not. I’m going to have a very good relationship with Putin and the Russians, even though I never heard of Putin before and I’ve only been to Russia once, but it was for a real estate conference in Moscow a long time ago. Very boring place, but they love me there you know.”
When pressed as to why he has still yet to release copies of his tax returns, Mr. Trump said that he really wants to, but just couldn’t do it because he was under audit. The Republican nominee promised, however, that if he did release them they would “show that he was very very rich and very very charitable,” adding several “believe me’s” before winking at his campaign manager and holding up his crossed fingers.
Shortly after Clinton’s speech, Sergei Mikhailov, a hacker for Putin’s regime issued a statement to Russia’s state controlled newspaper that although his team did have Mr. Trump’s tax returns, along with all other classified and confidential documents stored by the United States, he could not release them prior to the U.S. election on direct orders from Vladimir Putin.
“President Putin wants Mr. Donald Trump to be the United States President,” said the 23-year-old hacker. “The two have struck deal and friendship due to mutual love of whore and gold furniture. They will make world great again.”