Sources made up by The Plantain have confirmed that Congressional Republican leadership plans to repeal the Affordable Care Act and replace it with the “Scriptural Care Act,” a new program that would eliminate the individual mandate required under Obamacare and instead provide all Americans with a government-issued bible that they would be required to use to pray for their own health and safety at least twice a week.  

The plan is sponsored by Rep. John-Dale McKutchenson (R-Tennessee), a former Pentacostal minister who said that the American people needed to become self-reliant on Jesus and not on the government. “If there is one thing the Gospels teach us is that you shouldn’t sleep with another man’s slave. But also that you shouldn’t rely on governmental handouts,” he said as he handed out federally purchased bible’s to his staff.   

Health care advocates have issued statements expressing their dismay over Rep. McKutchenson’s plan. President Donald Trump, however, praised the program, telling the Plantain “Я думаю, это здорово. Так здорово.”

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