A recent road survey of I-95 has confirmed that portions of the interstate literally pass through Hell itself.
Starting just north of downtown Miami, surveyors discovered an otherwise unnoticeable dimensional rift that detours directly over The River Styx and through the bowels of Hades. The rift is visually unnoticeable due to the metaphysical structure of our universe, but its discovery confirms reports that drivers passing through the affected area feel emotionally and spiritually disturbed and become real dicks. The portal begins to dissipate north of the Griffin Road exit.
“We are dealing with forces far beyond our control,” said Dr. Keith Sinclair, chief of the Dade County Highway Paranormal Response Team as he sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the 95 and started wishing cancer on the driver of the red Lexus trying to merge into his lane.
“I’ve never seen a dimensional portal of this scope before,” said Dr. Sinclair, before adding “Can you believe this asshole? What does he think he is doing! HEY! Fuck you, pal. Sorry, this is quite a discovery for the paranormal community.”
“This is not at all surprising,” said Argentinian born Vivian Montrose as she made her daily commute from her Hollywood home to her Downtown Miami office. “It actually explains quite a lot of the bad behavior you see on the road everyday,” said the woman before throwing a half-filled Frappuccino at the driver of a white 2002 Corolla with a faded Bush/Cheney bumper sticker and a crooked Jesus fish emblem that honked at Ms. Montrose and told her to “go back to Mexico” for momentarily failing to pull forward as traffic began to advance.
The Plantain reached out to Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Master of All Evil, for an explanation as to how the interdimensional rift came to be. The surprisingly pleasant Dark Lord explained that he had the rift installed several years ago to make it more convenient for him to travel between his home on Hell’s Lake of Fire and the mixed-use development he intends to build in Little River, which he plans to rename “Little Hades”.
“I am so excited to bring a little more Hell to Miami,” said Satan of his planned development, which will have at least three juiceries that will sell $12.00 juices.
By Joey Ganguzza