Congressleprochaun Donna Shalala is under fire this week after admitting to–wait, are you serious? Uch, what an unforced error, okay–COMMITTING A FEDERAL CRIME BY NOT REPORTING THE SALE OF STOCKS SHE OWNED. The Plantain spoke with Ms. Shalala about the FEDERAL CRIME SHE COMMITTED, which the freshman Congressmen explained that it was a “mistake” that she chalks up to her youth and inexperience. “I was only 78 years old when it happened. I’m 79 now and learned my lesson.”
When asked how an error of the magnitude of FEDERAL FUCKING CRIME could occur, Ms. Shalala was unsure of the details, explaining only that she and her team of investment advisors took the position that they did not have to comply with federal law: “For the life of me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise,” said Ms. Shalala, adding that “she was merely a freshman…congressperson.”
Donna Shalala’s FEDERAL CRIME has caused some to question whether she should be appointed to the House Oversight committee overseeing the distribution of emergency Coronavirus funds. As of this publication, Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she would not ask Donna to step down, chalking the entire controversy up as a “simple mistake” not at all like what Republican Senators Richard Burr and Kelly Loeffler did which was much worse for some reason..
The Plantain asked Ms. Shalala if she regretted selling her stock in violation of federal reporting laws, to which she said she did. We then asked whether she also regretted selling environmentally sensitive land owned by the Univesity of Miami when she was its President to developers to make a fucking Walmart to which the Congresswoman told me to fuck off and then had a staffer reach out to one of my friends in the Democratic party to ask me to “cool it” since the most important thing is defeating Trump and presenting a united front.