The Islamic State (ISIS) has declared responsibility for Donald Trump’s presidency, claiming in an early morning message that his election was an act of planned terror on the American people.
“Wow!” said ISIS general Abdul Mahmud Abdul. “When Jeff came up with the plan I really didn’t think it would work, but wow. This is just so great. Death to America! Death to America to us all.”
For the ISIS mastermind behind the plan, Jeff “Mahmud” Gruberg says he knew it was a long shot, but thought he could ruin the American experiment by getting someone elected on a platform contrary to every major American ideology. When asked why he picked Donald Trump to carry out the plan, he commented that Mosul just got The Apprentice and that he just loves The Donald” can-do attitude. “You’re Fired!” laughed Jeff. “We love that! Death to America.”
As for the United States, initial reaction to President Elect Trump’s victory has been met with shock. Absolute, horrific shock. Thousands took the streets in a drunken stupor as the world’s economic markets plunged in reaction to the election. Canada has also reported an increase in applications for citizenship and fertility experts expect absolutely no new births 9 months from now.
“This is an amazing victory, but ISIS couldn’t have done it alone. Shout out to Putin, Shout out to Assange, Shout out to Jill Stein Big Ups to my boy Gary Johnson! I know you don’t know where Aleppo is, but if you find it drinks on me!” said Jeff, before adding “Just kidding. I don’t drink, you know that. Death to America.”