An unusually contrite Jeff Sessions, Attorney General of the United States, held a press conference this Tuesday to discuss revelations he experienced after accidentally ingesting a pot brownie.
The attorney general assumed he was stealing a snack from his intern's desk, totally unaware that the treat contained THC. A whole bunch of it. It was real potent shit.
"Brosef, I never knew what this herb could do!" spoke the attorney general as he announced a drastic change in the country's marijuana prohibition policies.
According to the ACLU’s original analysis, marijuana arrests now account for over half of all drug arrests in the United States. Of the 8.2 million marijuana arrests between 2001 and 2010, 88% were for simply having marijuana. Nationwide, the arrest data revealed one consistent trend: significant racial bias. Despite roughly equal usage rates, Blacks are 3.73 times more likely than whites to be arrested for marijuana.
In a surprisingly vulnerable admission, Mr. Sessions took direct blame for past policies "My bad y'all, this one is on me. I was sleeping on this sticky green and I played myself."
It was the attorney general who spearheaded a reinvigorated war on marijuana. Sessions rescinded guidances from former President Barack Obama’s administration that allowed states to legalize marijuana with minimal federal interference. In a statement, Sessions said that the move will allow federal prosecutors “to use previously established prosecutorial principles that provide them all the necessary tools to disrupt criminal organizations, tackle the growing drug crisis, and thwart violent crime across our country.” In effect, this will let federal prosecutors use their own discretion to crack down on marijuana businesses in states where pot is legal for recreational purposes.
"It was a dick move. I know that now. I think I should get some credit for figuring that out and while we are at it we should also give credit to this legendary sativa Hindu Kush. That shit turned my dick inside out."
Congress stood shocked as Mr. Sessions addressed the Committee on Drug use and explained his three-part plan to completely overhaul America's war on drugs.
"Step one, let my homies free. All non-violent drug offenders are chill as fuck (the new official term for the group). Step two, all Taco Bell's are 24 hours. Every night is taco Tuesday. Step three smoke weed errday! 420 365"
When confronted by Republican Senator Richard Shelby (ALA) about the sudden change in belief and how a "good Christian man" could become a pot smoker, Mr. Sessions responded, "As far as I see it, weed is a plant, an herb, the lord made it for us. How am I to know better than God? Praise it and blaze it! I smoketh that buddha and burn it in effegy to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!".
The committee meeting was cut short when Mr. Sessions would not lower the volume of his bluetooth speaker while he listened to Derek and The Dominoes Layla, exclaiming "Just let it get to the piano solo man. That's the best part!"