The Plantain has learned that former congressional candidate Jon Ossoff plans to ask his manager Bret for his job back as an associate at an Atlanta Best Buy.The 30-year-old Democrat, who lost a Georgia special election last night after months of campaigning, had captivated the nation’s attention. “I really thought he was different,” said democratic activist and continual optimist Stephanie Baum who lives no where near the Atlanta district Ossoff was hoping to represent.
“Why isn’t anyone talking about how close the race was! It’s a victory that he even got so close!” said an Ossoff supporter from Denver. “Because he lost, right? No one is talking about how close it is because he lost the race,” I remarked, letting my journalistic objectivity get in the way for a brief moment. “Yeah, but he was SUPPOSED to lose, you know?” remarked the Coloradan who spent more than 30 million dollars on his loss.
It has been reports that Ossoff was seen early this morning pacing outside of the former Best Buy store he worked at for three years, apparently attempting to gain enough courage to ask for his job back. “I can’t believe he is back,” said his former co-worker Desiree Luck, who noted that Ossoff was really obnoxious when he quit.
“He just walked in and was like, ‘Ya’ll know what, I’m too good for this place. I’m gonna run for Congress.’ He was just such a dick. I think the only reason he ran is because some girl who was trying to get a discount on an Oculus for her boyfriend told him he kind of looked like Justin Trudeau. It went straight to his head.”
The Plantain has confirmed that Jon Ossoff does, indeed, sort of look like Justin Trudeau. But like if Justin Trudeau had lost his election and was also part-newt. [Editor’s Note: The seat Jon Ossoff lost was formerly occupied by Republican Newt Gingrich, a factor which Ossoff failed to capitalize on given his own newt-like characteristics.]
The Plantain reached out to Best Buy manager Bret to find out whether he intended to give Ossoff his job back, but had not heard back in time for publication on account that Bret was late to return from his smoke break because he was flirting with the girl who works at the Jamba Juice next door.

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