After the announcement that white nationalist Richard Spencer plans to appear at the University of Florida in September, some campus jean shorts enthusiasts rejoiced that they were no longer the most universally loathed group to be associated with the school.
“We weren’t sure Spencer was coming. He wanted to speak at Vanderbilt but had been waitlisted. Luckily, UF was his safety school,” said Truman T. Vinsant, president of the campus’s Jorts, Oakley Sunglasses and Flip Flops-with-Socks Coalition. “It will be nice to get the heat off of our backs for a minute.”
“I’m also looking forward to hearing Mr. Spencer speak,” said the young white man, which was initially surprising but made sense considering the man’s outfit, mullet and dead eyes.
On Sept. 12, media organizations are expected to descend upon Gainesville to document the hate speech/melee/complete shitshow of humanity, despite UF president Kent Fuchs’ plea for everyone to please stay the hell out of Gainesville.
The university has been on the national stage in recent years for mixed reasons, from multiple sports championships to spawning mediocre minor league baseball player Tim Tebow to said preoccupation with jorts.
However, jorts-wearers aren’t out of the woods yet. A producer for CNN told The Plantain she’s hoping to get footage of what she described as “the motherlode of human filth”: jorts-wearing neo-Nazis. The Plantain attempted to introduce the CNN producer to Davis. However, he insisted that he wasn’t a “neo-Nazi” but rather a member of the “alt-right,” which he said was somehow different but couldn’t explain why.
By Manuel Del Fango IV & Milo