Katherine Fernandez Rundle has spent her career cultivating a reputation as the pro-cop, law & order prosecutor. In fact, in her 27 years as Miami-Dade’s State Attorney, she has never prosecuted a police officer for an on-duty killing. “She’s the perfect State Attorney as far as I’m concerned,” said Miami-Dade Police leader Javier Ortiz before roughing up a young woman for no good reason.
“She’s just a lovely woman,” said Mr. Ortiz as he sipped a milkshake from Shake Shack he would later claim was poisoned. “We thought for sure she’d be pressured by the radical Black Lives Matter movement to charge an officer who murdered an unarmed teen earlier this month with murder, but good ol’ KFR said there was not enough evidence and let that officer go. I love that woman,” said Ortiz before making himself throw up.
But in the wake of national unrest caused by widespread police brutality, Katherine Fernandez Rundle’s pristine record of doing absolutely nothing to discipline bad cops is under fire. On July 7, 2020 the Miami Democratic Party passed a resolution urging KFR to drop out of the race, a shocking move not reported by the Miami Herald at the time of this stupid parody’s publication.
“I don’t understand why everyone is being so mean to me!” the State Attorney told me in an interview. “I’ve only been in this job for 27-years! How many cops do they want me to have arrested?” she asked.
“More than none?” I responded but was told she was being rhetorical.
“It’s not like I’m purposefully turning a blind eye to police brutality,” said the 70-year-old as she deleted hundreds of emails and requests for comments sent to her about Miami-Dade Police Officers beating up and pepper-spraying demonstrators protesting police violence.
“If I had evidence to convict a police officer I would certainly prosecute one,” she said, explaining that there just has never been any evidence of a crime committed by an officer in the line of duty since she took office in 1993. “It’s a testament to how great Miami’s police are,” said KFR, adding “and believe me, if there was evidence I’d know about it because the cops I’m being asked to investigate are the ones who gather the evidence of their own alleged crimes.”
Katherine Ferndanzes Rundle is being challenged by Melba Pearson who is running on a radical platform of putting police officers who murder members of the public in jail. “She’s so radical! She’s basically Antifa!” said KFR before adding, “Plus, we don’t want socialism in this Country! Maduro is a monster! NASCAR should let people fly whatever flag they want!”
When asked whether if re-elected she would promise to prosecute more police, Ms. Ferndandez-Rundle informed me that I had violated campaign finance laws by asking that question. “How is that possible?” I asked, to which the veteran prosecutor said that she felt threatened and called the police to have me arrested for unlawful assembly and mayhem which was later superseded to aggravated assault on a police officer which was later superseded to attempted murder which carries with it a sentence of up to 25 years in prison.
“But I didn’t do anything but ask Katherine Fernandez Rundle a question!” I told the prosecutor who said that it was KFR’s word against mine and that it was in my best interest to plead down to felony battery since I’d be out of jail in only 3 years. I agreed.
“Katherine Fernandez Rundle is a great prosecutor who I wholeheartedly endorse,” said one of the Miami-Dade corrections officers I was assigned to on my first day of prison.
“Why do you like her so much?” I asked him as he led me to the prison’s shower.
“Cause I literally murdered a man named Darren Rainey by trapping him in a hot shower while he screamed for two hours until his skin fell off the bone and she didn’t even prosecute me or nothing,” he said, adding, “I mean, that’s nuts, right? I boiled a man alive on my job and she was like ‘it’s cool, just try not to do it again.’ Anyway, take off your clothes it’s time for a shower.”
“I don’t think I want to take a shower here,” I told the officer before being told in no uncertain terms that it was not optional.
EDITOR’S NOTE: After posting this article I sent an email to the Miami-Dade State Attorney’s Office asking Ms. Fernandez-Rundle to charge me with violating election law since I think it would be really good publicity for the website. Typically, she declined to prosecute citing lack of evidence.