Florida voters have passed Amendment 41, which calls for the bulldozing of the entire city of Kendall to make way for a Dolphin Mall expansion. Florida polls outside of Kendall came in unanimously in favor of the bulldozing.

“I didn’t even know it was on the ballot,” said Kendall native Miguel Gonzalez. Once the bulldozing amendment passed, Kendall residents were informed they would have 30 days to evacuate their residence before the home was flattened. This elicited mixed emotions across the community.

“Since my kids already spend most of their time at the mall, I think this will actually bring our family closer together,” said future former absentee George Levinson. City Commissioner Joe Martinez has ensured the current residents of Kendall that there are positives to all their homes being bulldozed.

“Kendall will be underwater by the year 2050. Your great grandkids will be thanking us,” said Martinez, who owns two homes on Miami Beach.

The new mall will have some fresh additions such as an experimental food court. The experimental food court will feature tastes foreign to Miami such as an Indian-Antarctician fusion restaurant that serves a nitrous aroma you taste by soaking in through your pores and an Arby’s.

The mall expansion will cover 16 square miles and have one additional parking spot.

“I have yet to decide whether the additional parking spot will be public or valet,” said head architect of the expansion, Vladimir Pauo. “I can confirm there will also be an additional parking garage on the property. However, the parking garage is a work of art meant to symbolize society and will be closed off to vehicles.”

The overall expansion is so massive that Sherpas were flown in from Nepal to help guide future visitors through the mall’s long passageways. Unfortunately, most of the Sherpas accepted retail clothing jobs once they realized their gritty mountain style aligned with Urban Outfitter’s fall fashion line.

The new mall is expected to turn a huge profit when it officially opens in the spring of 2251. Making it a no brainer decision for the investment group funding the project.

By Kyle Rambo

5 comments

  • Leo Gonzalez
    Leo Gonzalez
    Reply

    This site is one of the best things Miami has to offer!

  • David
    David
    Reply

    That’s not a picture of Kendall , very misleading. That’s Dolphin Mall. Why would one even use this picture for this article??

  • RonaldC
    RonaldC
    Reply

    My family and myself havelived in kendall all our lives!! My parents house is a historical landmark of the orignal kendall it cannot be bulldozed!!

  • Bullshit
    Bullshit
    Reply

    This is a joke right?? Has to be.. nobody will be alive by 2251 even the people finding this bullshit.. trying so hard to be like aventura mall ya fucking it up? What’s next ya gonna bulldoze all of Miami Dade to expand even bigger..awhole city dedicated to one mall lol funny

  • Tomas Emilio Falcon
    Tomas Emilio Falcon
    Reply

    So official opening spring of 2251 a 200 year development?

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