Dominic Swank, a 37-year old tourist and father of 4 was arrested and promptly executed after asking a waitress for a single-use plastic straw Tuesday afternoon. The request occurred at a now-defunct Lincoln Road cafe Mr. Swank was eating at while visiting Miami Beach with his family from Ohio.The Plantain was unable to reach the Cafe for comment on account that it had gone out of business and was replaced by an American Eagle, but eye witnesses report that Mr. Swank flagged down a waitress after being presented with an iced tea and asked for a straw. Police confirm that Mr. Swank was initially handed a paper straw, but upon placing it into his drink and noticing it immediately disintegrated because paper straws don’t make sense or work, Mr. Swank asked the waitress for a “regular straw.” That, according to witnesses, is when all hell broke loose.
“The waitress began screaming at the top of her lungs for help,” said Matt Damon, a sugar lobbyist of no relation to that Matt Damon, who happened to be eating at a nearby restaurant. Within seconds Miami Beach police officers arrested Mr. Swank and escorted him to Soundscape Park where he was publicly executed.
“It’s harsh, but how else are people going to learn that plastic straws are literally the worst thing you can do to the environment,” said Matt Damon the sugar lobbyist, who is a proponent of Miami Beach’s straw ban.
“The sugar industry cares tremendously about the environment, and these straws are definitely what we should focus our time and attention on,” said Matt Damon. “That’s our straw argument.”
But not everyone is happy with Mr. Swank’s public execution. Mary Swank, Dominic’s widow was briefly grief stricken by the whole ordeal before agreeing to become engaged to the Venezuelan cousin of the waitress that caused her husband’s death. “My children need a father and Fenando needs his papers. It’s a win-win,” said Mary Swank-Ferreyra.