Freelance journalist Jason Ireland was killed in his home Tuesday for reportedly publishing an article that contained several comma splice errors, authorities confirmed.
“We’re all very sad to hear about Jason”, his editor, Nathanial Masserati, told the Plantain. “But he was always putting commas on the outside of quotation marks like a real twat and was also inconsistent with how he used commas to set off proper nouns, so he deserved it.”
Mr. Ireland is survived by his wife, Evangeline, and son Oscar. He enjoyed watching baseball which was his favorite sport and leaving commas out of sentences with non-restrictive elements.
Mr. Ireland was killed by a longtime fan of his writing who noticed several grammatical errors in his latest article as well as an incorrect factual statement that arguably undermined one of the article’s premises. When his killer, let’s call him Carl with a K, discovered these errors and learned he could not cancel any subscription because Mr. Ireland wrote for free he decided to murder him. “Your writing doesn’t always read like you think it sounds in your head”, were reportedly the last words Mr. Ireland heard before being killed.
“His writing could be sloppy”, Nathanial also noted, telling this Reporter, that he occasionally would also add unnecessary commas, too. “I would send him primers on basic comma usage but he kept saying he was too busy to read them on account of all the writing I needed him to do since he was our only writer.”
When asked how he thought Mr. Ireland wanted to be remembered Nathanial said as someone extremely passive-aggressive that was willing to write an entire article using pseudonyms just to prove a point even though he had a pile of more pressing work he should be doing.”