Many have wondered how Senator Marco Rubio, a cowardly Miami native legally classified as a mollusk, remains so popular in Miami despite doing absolutely nothing for anyone in Miami. After a careful review of the Senator’s record and talking to the men who used to hang out in the Tropical Park bathrooms that knew him as a youth, we discovered that the qualities that keep Rubio relevant are the same ones that skyrocketed Scooby “Dooby” Doo to popularity all those years ago.
Here are 5 ways Marco Rubio is just like Scooby-Doo.
They’re both cowards
Scooby-Doo’s cowardice is one of his defining traits. He runs from every problem he faces, whether it be a ghost, a monster, a bath, or personal responsibility. While Scooby’s cowardice can get in the way, and indeed, sometimes instigates antics among his gang of meddling kids, he always redeems himself once Velma gives him a Scooby-Snack which gives him the courage needed to save the day.
Marco is also a coward unwilling to protect his constituents by standing up against his party’s dog whistle immigration policies and is too petrified to criticize literally anything Trump has ever done. Like Scooby, Marco Rubio knows he is a coward, which upsets him, and he occasionally tries to eat a Marco Snack for courage. Unfortunately, “Marco Snacks” are just croquetas from Vicky’s, which are so oily they tend to just make him tired and not brave.
They both believe in consolidating wealth at the top.
Senator Rubio loves low taxes and is a staunch believer in trickle-down economics. The economic policies he supports let the rich exploit the efforts of the working class by funneling profits up through essentially tax-exempt corporate entities. This is exactly like how Scooby-Doo uses a very-long straw to secretly suck up his friends’ milkshakes before they notice, even though they did all the work of getting the milkshake because dogs can’t buy milkshakes.
Scooby at least is honest and direct with his theft and says “ROUGH ROUGH SARRY, FRED” after he laps up Fred’s sandwich with his tongue. Marco, on the other hand, is not an honest thief and would steal Daphne’s pig to give to the butcher without any shame or even inviting her over for lechon.
They are both totally divorced from their ethnicity.
It’s a well-documented fact that “Scoob” is a DINO (Dog In Name Only) who spends all his time with humans who keep him around only for the sake of saying they have a dog. He’s clearly treated as lesser than his peers, with only shaggy making any attempt to understand dog culture.
Marco-Doo is the only prominent Hispanic Republican in the Senate, with the notable exception of Ted Cruz, who is such a hated twerp he would definitely be Scrappy-Doo by analogy. Rubio, like Scooby, totally eschews his Hispanic heritage and culture only displaying it when he wants to bark at the cat of communism.
They both have brown hair.
In Scooby’s case, it’s more like fur and he has a lot more of it since Rubio isn’t a dog and is going sort of bald too. But either way, brown.
They’re both two-dimensional characters obsessed with taking down 1960’s-era villains that don’t pose a threat to anyone anymore.
For all his faults, Marco Rubio, like Scooby-Doo, just wants the people who own him to think he is a “good boy, yes he is, a very good boy.” And like his cartoon counterpart, Marco Rubio thinks the way to achieve affection is to fight 1960’s-era villains. For Scooby-Doo, this makes sense since he is a cartoon character from the 1960’s. But Marco Rubio isn’t a cartoon dog from the 1960’s, he is a U.S. Senator.
And Fidel Castro is dead.
Bit even for all of his posturing about Castro and the problems with communism, Marco wants so desperately to have his tummy rubbed by the white man in the ascot that he is willing to ignore Trump’s dealings with Castro and the Cuban government over the years. What’s worse, with all of his obsession with what has happened in Cuba or Venezuela long ago, he ignores the many issues happening back home in Westchester, where he may or may not used to have gotten handjobs from strange men in the Tropical Park bathroom in the 90’s. Zoinks.