Following an embarrassing loss in his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio announced plans to sell hoverboards to Colombian tourists and wealthy German teenagers at Bayside Marketplace in Downtown Miami. “I just think I need a break from politics,” the 45-year-old Senator told reporters. The Senator added that he views selling hoverboards as an opportunity to give back to his community. “I mean, have you ever tried one? They’re a lot of fun”, Mr. Rubio said with a tear in his eye.

The unexpected end to Mr. Rubio’s once promising political career is just the latest twist in an unconventional election cycle that has been dominated by Donald Trump’s seemingly unstoppable rise. When asked his opinion on Mr. Trump and whether he would support him in the general election, Mr. Rubio commented that he was focused solely on the issues that matter to Miamians, like where they can buy a dependable hoverboard and whether they are available in multiple colors. “This feels right. I’m looking forward to this next phase in my life,” Mr. Rubio said while sniffling and staring dejectedly at his 4-inch Italian leather boots.

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