Baseball is back in Miami. As the Boys of Summer prepare to take the publicly-financed fields for what will undoubtedly be another non-competitive season, they will be joined by never-Hall-of-Famer Barry Bonds, the controversial all-time home run champion whose playing career was plagued by allegations of rampant steroid use.

“I’m very excited to work with the team and to be back on the field,” said Mr. Bonds, whose head is surprisingly large. “I think I can have a real impact on Giancarlo Stanton’s game. He reminds me a lot of myself during the 1989 season, right before I put on 80 pounds of muscle through hard work and a healthy lifestyle”, Mr. Bonds said with a wink.

“Barry is a legend and the whole team is so grateful to be able to work with him. He has already taught us all so much” said Mr. Stanton, as he pulled down his pants, bent over a chair, and had a Marlins trainer inject him with what he assured us was “just a B-12 shot.”

“We’re going to be more competitive than people think,” said new head coach Don Mattingly. “We’re ready for the season. We have put in thousands of vials worth of hard work. We’re ready for this.”

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