The Miami Marlins announced today that they will start to host local little league games at Marlins Park in an effort to boost slumping ticket sales. The Marlins have struggled in the past year to keep attendance in the publicly financed stadium up, to no avail. The Marlins are currently on pace to have the worst attendance record in MLB history, with an average of 6 people per game, all of whom won their tickets on Power 96.But owners are confident that this new approach will guarantee a steady stream of income. “To be honest, I’m surprised we didn’t do this before.”, said team owner Derek Jeter. “With kids playing, we know that at the very least their parents will show up to the game. 11 kids per team, two parents a game, that’s 44 paying customers! Maybe some uncles or cousins even show up, you know, if they’re not busy. That’s a bigger turnout than we’ve had in months. We might even be able to pay the vendors with real money instead of discounted tickets.”
Not every member of the Marlins association is pleased with the teams change in business model. “I didn’t settle for the Marlins to have to share the stadium with a bunch of brats! I was perfectly fine playing to empty stands every week.”, said player J.T Realmuto. It seems he’s not alone in his dissatisfaction, as many of the little league players have expressed no desire to play at Marlins Park. “This is so goddamn insulting!”, said seven year old North Miami Tornadoes outfielder Gabriel Cortez. “We are champions, and we have play in this dump? With a bunch of has beens who are at the low point of their careers? I demand we at least get to play at Dolphin Stadium!”
Despite naysayers, the new approach seems to be working as park attendance has reached a new record this summer with almost fifty people at last Saturday’s match between the Old Cutler Bulldogs of Pinecrest and and the Gentrifiyankees of East Brickell, however at least thirty of the attendees were only there because they had custody that weekend.
By Little Danny Jimenez, age 24, designated hitter for the Plantain Staff Writers.