“This is in poor taste,” said Donut aficionado Karl Draper of the glazed donut from Krispy Kreme I offered him during his 32nd hour in line at the Salty Donut. “I don’t want to spoil my appetite,” said Mr. Draper shortly before his death. He was the eleventh to succumb to the Salty Donut’s long lines.

“It was the challenge of my life,” said Amelia Baumgartner shortly after reaching the cash register and purchasing one of the restaurant’s artisanal Guava and Cheese donuts because the Rum Cake Croughnut she intended to buy was sold out. When asked whether the hours spent under Miami’s blistering sun was worth it, the 28-year-old South Miami native said that she believed it was, but noted she would miss her fiance Davey Ramirez who died of heat stroke during the couple’s quest for the sold-out Rum Cake Croughnut. “I think Davey would be proud of me,” said Ms. Baumgartner as she stepped over his body.

As the death toll mounts, Miami-Dade officials are asking the Salty Donut to do more to protect the public as they wait for hours for a donut. In response, the restaurant has apparently tasked local police officers to hang around the restaurant eating donuts all day. When asked how Miami-Dade police and Salty Donut reached a deal to have cops always outside the restaurant eating donuts all day, Police Chief Jose Alameda said he was unaware of any official deal as he bit into that last fucking Rum Cake Croughnut.

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