The Miami Beach Police Department has been embroiled in controversy after a Mad Libs style fill-in-the-blank “death-report” was leaked to The Plantain, a fictional, satirical, and generally untrustworthy news source. The leaked document was made in anticipation of deaths expected to occur this Memorial Day during the Beach’s Urban Beach/Airshow combo weekend wolfgang cluster fuck. Memorial Day Weekend is always a source of vexation and needless death for the City. In 2017 two died during two separate shootings. In 2011 seven were injured or killed after multiple shootings occurred on South Beach. In 2012 a man literally ate another guy’s face on the MacArthur Causeway.
Despite the violence, zombies, and general unpleasantness that is the Beach all the time, but especially on Memorial Day, last year some GIANT FUCKING IDIOT also planned an airshow during the same time slot as Urban Beach Weekend. Locals have long questioned whether placing two over attended events on a confined Island surrounded by alcohol and deafeningly loud noises is a good idea considering all the people who die whenever the Beach tries to hold an event. “Adoy, why not? Seems to be a good idea to me,” said the idiot who decided it was a good idea, adding another “Adoy” at the end.
When asked for a comment, the Miami Beach Police Union praised its officers as resourceful public servants who will now be able to streamline the process of papering up all the deaths that will happen this weekend.
by Alex Quesada