Thirty-something Miami-Beach resident Gabriel Santos and his neighbors at the Feltch Condominium Tower in Miami Beach were relieved when they were told that their building–originally constructed in 1972–was, while poorly maintained and criminally overpriced, not structurally unsafe.

After what happened in Surfside I think everyone who lives in a dilapidated coastal building that was constructed with laundered coke-trade money became concerned about their safety. But apparently the building inspector our condo association President hired said we’re cool and to just not worry about those cracks in the garage because they’re probably nothing.”

“Well, those cracks are probably nothing,” said building inspector Martin Perez of Martin Perez Discount Building Inspection and Insurance Adjustment as he counted the $49.99 paid to him in cash by Feltch Condo Association President, Maryanne Watkins-Smith. When asked by the Plantain how Ms. Watkinks-Smith found Mr. Perez she said he came very highly recommended on Groupon and was the only building inspector she could find who could give her an opinion over the phone. When asked if she had received any conflicting reports about the building’s safety the 58-year-old widow told me she couldn’t say on advice of counsel.

“Listen, Feltch Towers is a wonderful building and Mr. Perez’s report certifying the building’s safety,” added Ms. Watkins-Smith referring to the text she received from Mr. Perez of a house emoji next to a happy face, “proves that the building is perfectly safe and can stand for another 50 years without the need for a fucking assessment that no one in the building is going to support.”

“So you really feel safe in your home even after what just happened in Surfside?” I asked Ms. Watkins-Smith. “Oh, of course I do, the building is a wonderful place to live,” said the condo association president from her daughter’s home in Boca before asking if I was pre-qualified and sending me the 1.6 million dollar Zillow listing for her 1400 square foot apartment.