Who’s to say Miami is the worst place to live? According to a recent study, Miami-Dade County is one of the best places to live if your goal is to be killed in a cycling accident. And who doesn’t?!

“I always wanted to be killed by a distracted 16-year-old in a Mercedes on the Rickenbacker,” said amateur triathlete and father of three Victor Horchado. “Losing a parent can really build character. I’m going to make men out of my two sons and daughter.”

According to the study, for the period 2010 – 2014, Miami ranked 11th for most pedestrian fatalities in the country. The County’s high ranking is the product of years of hard work by our government to resist the national trend to make streets safer and more accommodating to cyclists and pedestrians. 

“We’re finally at the top of a list!” said Miami-Dade Mayor Carl Hemans (is that his name? Our editor is on maternity leave!). “But we will not rest until we are number 1!” said Hemans, who, alongside a representative from the FDOT announced ambitious targets for dead and seriously injured cyclists for 2017.“ If we are able to meet these goals, and I think we will, we’re going to be the Paris of dead cyclists.”

While municipalities like the City of Miami have introduced bike-sharing programs, green bike lanes, and signs for drivers to share the road, the FDOT believes these measures will not get in the way of reaching the County’s ambitious goals. “These “safety initiatives” can only do so much. We think our constant promotion of a 1950’s era car culture will counterbalance these efforts nicely,” said Hemans.

Miami’s rise up the ranks had been steady. The County had a dramatic jump from 18th to 11th place over the last 5 years. During the same period of time, cities like Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle and New York, which were all ranked higher than Miami in 2005, fell thanks to municipal initiatives designed to improve safety of cyclists and pedestrians. Not coincidentally, perhaps, these cities also saw huge influxes of millennials moving to their cities, which gave a huge boost to their local economies. Miami chose a different route and its failure to implement anything resembling a safe transportation environment has successfully seen it rise up the fatalities ranking like no other metropolitan.

“Miami is like seriously the bomb.com,” texted Yasmilla Merchado from her Acura while driving to LIV when she grazed cyclist Brian Ledbelly, sending the 28-year-old off the road. “What a rush!” said Mr. Ledbelly as he assessed his wounds and enjoyed the new outlook on life constant near-death experiences afford you. “My friend’s in Portland just don’t appreciate the fragility of life the way one does in Miami,” said the concussed and bloodied man as he awaited an ambulance and wrote a very strongly worded Facebook post which he expects will get at least 60 likes, 25, angry faces, 15 sad faces, and one “HAHA” from his fraternity brother Dale, who can be a real dick but means well deep down.

Nuno Felisberto

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