Last month, The Plantain reported that the Miami-Dade Police Department began ticketing drivers for using turn signals. This week, the department took another step toward curbing traffic lawlessness by publishing a driving guide for visitors and new residents of the County.

Below are the ten key points from the guide:

  1. Never thank another driver for an act of courtesy. It will be misinterpreted as weakness and spark road rage.
  2. Posted speed limits are averages. Double or halve the number to figure out the speed you should be driving.
  3. If traffic ahead of you is not moving, honk your horn relentlessly. This is an effective way to deal with gridlock and also slow-crossing abuelas.
  4. Disregard crosswalks. They were imposed on us by out-of-town safety consultants who thought you’d actually give a shit.
  5. Cyclists are not expected to follow any laws and have the right to unleash hell on you if you come anywhere near them. Keep at least three feet between your car and all cyclists for your own safety.
  6. If you get into an accident and it’s your fault, scream at the other driver. Or better yet, just make a run for it. The police don’t have time to track you down. Good luck!
  7. If you’re sitting at a green light texting and someone honks at you, throw up your hands and be like “Wha’?! Wha’?! Wha’ da fuck?!” Then calmly finish your text. This will ensure that you’re not texting and driving farther down the road. If on the highway, only text in designated lanes. Safety first!
  8. When transporting tall stacks of mattresses or wooden palettes on a pickup truck, remember to secure the pile with a thin piece of twine.
  9. If you’re a male between 16 and 90 years old, slowing your car to a crawl on a busy street is only permitted if you’re trying to check out a tremendo culo in white stretchy pants.
  10. Speeding up when pedestrians cross the street will help stimulate cardiovascular fitness in the community. Do your part against our nation’s obesity epidemic.
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