Miami Heat’s longtime mascot, Burnie, a horrific anthropomorphic representation of a muppet on fire or something, has been traded to the Milwaukee Bucks for a pair of future second round draft picks. The trade knocks nearly $13/hr off of the Heat’s salary cap and is part of an ongoing effort to rebuild the Heat into a losing franchise.
“Oh, we’re gonna miss Burnie next year,” said Center Hasan Whiteside before learning he would be traded to Portland. “DRAGIC SAD!” screamed guard Goran Dragic in some random Slavic accent before he was also forcibly removed from the roster. “We’re going to miss Burnie, but we think this is the best for the franchise and the Heat family,” said President Pat Reilly while standing in front of a mural of Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh that maintenance had planned on painting over but like who would they put on it?
When asked who would replace Burnie, Mr. Reilly said the Heat’s new mascot would be a housewife sitting courtside giving the finger to opposing players.