Mayoral candidate and current Miami Commissioner, Esteban Bovo, says he wants to tackle Miami’s increasing unemployment problem even though there is no problem, shut up, everything is fine.

In a press conference held earlier this week, Commissioner Bovo announced his plans to have 10,000 trabajo candles sent from Cuba utilizing a Miami-based shipping business owned by his cousin but that doesn’t matter, shut up, everything is fine.

“One thing we hate here in Miami is socialism or anything even remotely socialist…which is what we Cubans define as anything that effectively address a social problem, so the Trabajo candles are a perfect solution because they don’t work and therefore is not socialist,” said Commissioner Bovo who wanted to stress that the ineffectiveness of the candles is not a problem, shut up, everything is fine.

When asked what else he would do as Mayor to address joblessness in Miami-Dade County, Commissioner Bovo said he was committed to helping the community by doing the only thing he knew how to do: characterizing any type of governmental intervention as socialist for some reason and then demonizing those who want to help as Castro. “CASTRO BAD,” said Commissioner Bovo to which everyone around him readily agreed.

“I like that he isn’t a socialist,” said an elderly Cuban woman on social security who receives discounted public transit fees from the County. “SOCIALISM BAD,” said the elderly Cuban woman to which everyone around her on the bus readily agreed.

The Plantain asked Commissioner Bovo whether the Cold War-era mentality around all governmental relief programs was still relevant given the reliance so many within the community have on social programs which serve as a safety net.

“Son, you sound very ignorant. Don’t you realize that if Miami became socialist there would be massive unemployment, dirty water, corruption at every level of government, and people being unable to afford basic necessities like food and shelter?” asked Commissioner Bovo. “Socialism says it’s about helping people, but capitalism is about helping yourself and working honestly for what you have,” said Bovo before leaving to meet with a lobbyist for the candle company who happens to be a different cousin of his, but shut up about it, everything is fine.

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