Miami to Hold Cubs World Series Parade

Miami to Hold Cubs World Series Parade

Pots were banged and guns were shot in the air on Eighth Street Wednesday evening as thousands of Miami Heat fans took to the streets to celebrate the Chicago Cubs’ historic World Series victory. “JAJAJA VAMOS CUBBIES!” yelled an elderly gentleman in a wifebeater as he danced salsa down the crowded street with a cigar in his mouth.

The Plantain’s English-speaking correspondent caught up with a group of fans celebrating the Cubs’ first world championship in 108 years and asked why they had so much affection and joy for the Windy City. “Oh, we don’t actually care about Chicago. I mean, it’s a great place if you’re in the mood for a cleaner but somehow more dangerous and boring version New York, but Jesus we really just hate Cleveland,” said mortgage broker David Calabash at Fado’s Irish Pub at Mary Brickell Village. Chants of “Screw you LeBron!” and “Fuck Cleveland!” filled the popular urban tavern well into the night.

City of Miami Mayor Tomas Regalado tweeted early Thursday morning that he had called an emergency City Commission meeting to ask for emergency funds for a parade to celebrate Cleveland’s historic and embarrassing loss. 

“Miami sports fans really need this,” said the Mayor, explaining that his City has not been the same since LeBron James left Miami for Cleveland in 2014. “Things really took a nosedive for our community when he left for Cleveland. I mean, we went from a big three of LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade to now literally having three white guys in our starting lineup. That’s all Cleveland’s fault. They deserve this.” 

While no Chicago Cubs players plan on participating in Miami’s parade in their honor, Hillary Clinton announced that she plans on using the parade as an impromptu 6th campaign rally around South Florida in as many days. When asked whether she shared South Florida’s schadenfreude over Cleveland’s heartbreaking loss, Mrs. Clinton wavered, saying only that she cannot afford to share her authentic human feelings for fear that it will further alienate Ohio’s older white populous that unequivocally already hates her. “Every vote counts, for some terrible reason,” said the candidate. 

But not everyone is South Florida is happy with tonight’s result. The Plantain spoke to lifelong Indians fan and Cleveland native Scott Parkins who said he was crushed at the loss. “People around here like to make fun of Cleveland, but it really is a wonderful City with world-class art and culture and some of the greatest people you’ll ever meet in your life.” When asked if he missed Cleveland or had any plans to relocate to the midwestern City, Mr. Parkins said though he missed his hometown he was not considering moving back. “Who in their right mind would leave Miami for Cleveland?” he asked causing this reporter to wonder the same.