A pack of mutant tegu lizards attacked more than two dozen young children at a playground in a Pinecrest  early this morning. The attack not only sends shockwaves to parents throughout the southland, but also represents a startling discovery for Florida’s biological and environmental communities. 

The Plantain spoke with biologist Dr. Fran Macaroni, who was surprised by the lizards’ uncharacteristically aggressive behavior and size. “Tegu lizards are omnivorous, but usually no longer than 2-feet long so they are not a threat to humans. These creatures are much bigger and more vicious than an average tegu,” said Dr. Macaroni. When asked what prompted the attack, the biologist commented that “the tegus seemed to have committed this morning’s attack…in cold blood,” before immediately apologizing  for the insensitivity of her joke in light of the many children killed in the day’s assault.

Witnesses to the attack reported some lizards as being over 15 feet long and weighing several hundred pounds. Florida’s Department of Natural Resources issued a statement that its scientists believed the abnormally large reptiles are the result of a localized leak from the cooling canals around FP&L’s Turkey Point nuclear power plant

The massacre has been a source of controversy among Pinecrest’s residents, with many demanding the implementation of a tegu eradication program.  Responding to their demands, Governor Rick Scott announced that the State had allocated funds to eradicate the tegu population by dropping napalm over the affluent residential community. Calls to the Governor regarding whether the decision was influenced by the fact that Rick Scott’s wife owns a chemical weapons plant went unanswered.

Dr. Macaroni also said that the attack raises serious concerns for many Floridians: “Initial population surveys are greater than we expected with about 10,000 in the last Turkey Point census. With the reptiles growing to abnormally large sizes, you have to believe that they will begin to adversely impact native flora, fauna, and elementary schools.” 

But for Hal McClintock, President of Florida’s tourism board, the tegus are the biggest threat to Florida’s tourist Industry. “The optics of the tegu attack are very bad. Many tourists come to the state with their small children and most expect to be able to return home with them.”  

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