Salt Bae’s Miami restaurant Nusr-Et Steakhouse, which translates to “You won’t believe how much this place costs. How is that guy getting away with this? What is wrong with you people Steakhouse” is crap. I know because I’ve eaten there. So has Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, which a lot of people are very upset about. Now, I recognize that literally catering to a dictator is “problematic” or whatever you kids call it, and Salt Bae’s affinity for Maduro and prominent dead person Fidel Castro is less than ideal, but that shouldn’t be why you don’t eat at Salt Bae.You shouldn’t eat at Salt Bae because it is crap and represents the worst of Miami’s food scene. Here are 5 reasons why you shouldn’t eat at Nurse Shark Steakhouse that have nothing to do with Salt Bae’s love of tyrants.
1) He looks like a creep. Right? I mean, I don’t know what Salt Bae’s deal is, but anyone who is still rocking the 1993 drifter look needs to be watched closely. It wouldn’t even matter so much if his face wasn’t literally plastered throughout the restaurant making it so you can’t escape his aggressively sexual gaze and the nagging question of “what has he been doing with those elbows?” Pro Tip: If you’re gonna put your picture all over your restaurant at least be a little lovable. Like Papa Flannigan, whose jolly face does nothing but reassure you that rib rolls are on their way.
2) Ala carte meals are bullshit. There, I said it. No one orders a steak by itself. They are going to want a vegetable with it, so just factor that into the price of the meat. I don’t care if you charge me $80 for a steak, that’s cool, because I know it’s going to be an expensive meal. Just don’t make me feel bad about it by nickel and dimeing me on every single item. Just charge me $90 and then throw in a potato, dammit.
3) The salt show is stupid and forces you to awkwardly interact with Salt Bae or one of his somehow less impressive stand-ins. No one enjoys watching someone cut or salt meat, so when the “show” starts you’re going to be disappointed with how boring it is. What’s worse is the moment right after the show ends where you have to pretend that you were really impressed by someone cutting and salting meat, an act your mother did literally every goddamn night of the week without any praise whatsoever.
If you want a real show then maybe go to Benihana where at least they will make an onion volcano.
4) The name of his restaurant is unpronounceable. Nusr-Et? Really? I just call it “Not Sure Eat” because I’m not sure why I agreed to eat here.
5) There are so many people taking selfies at the restaurant that you cannot safely walk to the bathroom.
The tragedy of Salt Bae’s restaurant is that the food is pretty good. Wickedly overpriced, but not bad. But you can’t enjoy your meal because everyone around you is solely concerned with documenting every aspect of the meal on their phones and busy being seen at Salt Bae’s restaurant. The halls are adorned with tacky art and there are tacky cars outside and tacky people inside that are doing nothing but absentmindedly taking pictures of everything with their phone as they quietly wonder to themselves why they were being charged so much for spinach. This is the same experience you get when going to other really typical and very disappointing Miami restaurants (ahem Barton G), in which the owners spend more time on the restaurant’s gimmick than on the service, experience, or food.
Nusr-Et is not a bad restaurant, because it isn’t a restaurant. It is a place for shallow and insecure people to take photos that they can post online. That’s why Maduro went there, because he is shallow and insecure. All dictators are. No one goes to Salt Bae for the food, they go for the experience. Unfortunately for Salt Bae, the experience is lame and everyone that has it inevitably ends up going to Hillstone or Smith & Wollensky or Prime 112, or some other restaurant that focuses on good food and service the next time they want to celebrate something.