National Anthem Singer Protests Song She Sings While Singing It

The Country was shocked confused last night when singer Denasia Lawrence took a knee in front of a half-empty crowd of basketball fans who received free tickets from their bosses to see the long-anticipated pre-season game between the perennially awful Philadelphia 76ers and the newly awful Miami Heat. Donning a Black Lives Matters shirt, and with great poise, Ms. Lawrence knelt in protest of the singing of the National Anthem and then proceeded to voluntarily sing the song she was protesting

“The song is racist and should not be sung,” said Ms. Lawrence after the event. When asked why she sung the racist song that should not be sung, the singer said it was to make a statement about how the song she sung should not be sung. “It was also a really good opportunity for me,” she admitted.

“That logic makes sense!” said someone online who now thinks I’m racist for writing this article. “She is exercising her First Amendment right to protest the racist institutions the United States is founded on and also her right to self-contradiction,” said another commentator who does not find this article amusing. “She is disgusting and despicable and should be physically or emotionally harmed and vilified” said several other internet commentators who had too strong of a reaction to Ms. Lawrence’s protest and have obvious issues with Ms. Lawrence unrelated to her protest and mostly related to her existence.  “I didn’t die fighting to protect our freedoms just to have those freedoms used in a way I think should be restricted!” said the ghost of Vietnam Veteran who symbolically burned his draft card before shipping out to Danang on Twitter.

Ms. Lawrence’s demonstration is the latest in a series of protests dating back to the Summer when San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick began kneeling during performances of the National Anthem he was required to hear as part of his employment as a pro-athlete unable to leave the field  minutes before the game. “She’s no different than Collin Kaepernick” said Facebook user Erica Jarvis, noting that both were “standing on principles”. “More like KNEELING on principles, AM I RIGHT FOLKS?” commented her Middle School classmate Javier Lessig to absolutely no one’s amusement. 

Melissa Jennifer Howard, an amateur singer and work friend of Ms. Jarvis’ commented about the difficulty of singing the National Anthem and the required strain it places on the diaphragm, especially at the song’s climax. “Politics aside, I’m impressed she was able to sing so well considering she was on her knees the whole time.” “I wish more women had that sort of stamina while on their knees!” commented Mr. Lessig , causing Ms. Jarvis to unfriend him. As Mr. Lessig refreshed Ms. Jarvis’ thread to see whether his comment received any likes only to realize that he had been blocked he stared at his screen for a few moments thinking about the irony of being blocked from participating in a discussion about exercising one’s First Amendment right to protest before scrolling through his news feed again for about twenty minutes and climbing into his bed. As he drifted to sleep he could hear his mother crying to herself in the living room, as she did every night, and pondered why only 34 people wrote on his wall for his birthday last Friday and whether he would be able to find a friend to see the new Harry Potter prequel with him next month.

The Miami Heat released a statement that they were unaware that Ms. Lawrence would be protesting the song and called the stunt a much needed distraction from the organization’s disastrous off-season failures that resulted in Dwyane Wade leaving for Chicago and the team seemingly trying to prevent Chris Bosh from continuing to play in the NBA. “While I do not agree with Ms. Lawrence’s protest, I value her right to take the attention off of the fact that we just lost the the Philadelphia 76ers,” said Heat President Pat Riley.