“We start with the freshest ingredients,” said Sergio Mendoza, owner of “Biscayne Bay Sushi”, an unregistered food truck that can usually be found operating on NW 71st Street unless Sergio is staying with his girlfriend Yami in Kendall.

“We got lobster, stone crabs, all sort of random fish for sashimi, plus all our meals come with rice and plantain chips,” said Mr. Mendoza. “Why go to Joe’s if you can get good food from my truck for like $10 bucks?” he asked seriously, poor thing.

But business hasn’t been so great for the aspiring club promoter. “I would have thought what with all this economic turmoil or whatever people would be lining up to try my sushi,” said Sergio, who also acts as the truck’s chef. “I watched like 7 Youtube videos and half of Jiro Dreams of Sushi, so I know what I’m doing. I don’t know why there aren’t more customers.”

Biscayne Bay is full of shit and Sergio serves fish that died as a result of unhealthy water conditions,” said Miami Herald Food Editor Carlos Frías. “Can you actually attribute me as “James Beard-winning Food editor, Carlos Frías?.” We declined.

When asked to respond to allegations that he was serving fish that perished in Biscayne Bay, Mr. Mendoza was quick to explain. “That’s not totally true. We also serve lobster and like a few frogs. Biscayne Bay is like locally sourced, so it’s healthy. We even found a chicken that drowned in there. It’s so much fresher than Chicken Kitchen.”

We declined Mr. Mendoza’s offer of a lobster roll and a bootlegged Miami Heat jersey for $13 dollars, as well as his follow up offer of “okay, bro make me an offer then, what – you don’t remember Norris Cole?”

After leaving the truck, the Plantain called the City of Miami’s code department but was told they did not have the resources to investigate Biscayne Bay Sushi on account of all of the one lawyer they are going after for working at home for shady fucking reasons. “It has nothing to do with the fact that he sued us a bunch of times,” they told us preemptively.

OHhhhh. And if you do want to further support the Plantain consider buying some of our new merch. We owe $50 for our stupid website’s servers because we’re too lazy to optimize our Google ads.