“I would hate to think that my parents didn’t get their money’s worth,” said 31-year-old Brickell newlywed Katie Murray of her lavish early summer wedding. “But the truth is, I’ve known for a while that Josh isn’t for me. We had been together for 4 years, and I had just turned 30, so when he asked me to marry him I was excited and said yes. Then it was just a whirlwind and before I knew it we had a guest list and a venue and I couldn’t back out. I’m hoping for the best, but I don’t think I can last more than two years.”
Mrs. Murray and her new husband Josh adopted 5-month-old beagle, Lola, immediately after returning from their underwhelming honeymoon to Sandals Montego Bay in Jamaica.
“The trip was pretty awful,” said Josh, 33. “We didn’t even have sex. Plus it rained the entire time. But in between fights we agreed that we couldn’t do this alone and decided to get a puppy. I wanted a corgi, she wanted a dachshund, and we settled on a beagle. Marriage is about compromise.”
“We’ll be able to tolerate each other for about another year and a half before we have some blowout argument that ends in our breakup. I’m already planning an affair,” said Josh with a grin.
“Oh me too,” agreed Katie.
“What the fuck, Katie? You’re planning an affair? Is that why you’re at Orange Theory all the time?”
“Josh, you literally just said you were also planning an affair.”
“I know, but it’s different when you say it.”
“That’s sexist, Josh,” replied Katie as she turned her back toward her husband.
“Anyway, we adopted Lola to take the focus off of our glaring inadequacies as a couple. At this point, I’m interested to see who wins the argument over who will keep the dog,” Josh said as he smiled and pet Lola’s head. “Oh yeah, that’s going to be a real bad fight,” Katie agreed, both laughing.
Local spinning instructor, Teresa Sledge, reported an increase in Katie’s attendance since she returned from her honeymoon. “She is always in here. I can tell she’s preparing her body to be single again. She’s the type of girl that will want to be on and off the market quickly to avoid confronting her personal problems,” said Ms. Sledge, herself a divorcee who started spinning after discovering that Michael, her husband of 6-years, had reconnected with his ex-girlfriend and now wife Deviana on Facebook. “It’s called sublimation!” said Ms. Sledge, unsure if she was using the word properly.
Josh reports, however, that he has taken a contrary approach, deciding to pursue a regiment of weight gain and depression to better bargain for ownership rights to the dog in the impending breakup.
“Lola’s my little pal. I’m going to need her,” said Josh.
“Over my dead body,” replied Katie to her fornow husband.
In an exclusive interview, the Plantain asked Lola how she felt about her owner’s eventual breakup, to which the puppy licked this reporter’s finger, said that she didn’t like being used as a pawn in her puppy-parents’ sick relationship, and then proceeded to pee in the corner of the couple’s apartment.
“Oh I guess it’s my job to clean this up,” Katie said to Josh as she went to grab a roll of paper towels from the kitchen.
“Do you want me to clean it up?” asked Josh unenthusiastically.
“No, you don’t do it right,” said a defeated Katie before bending down to scratch Lola’s puppy head and saying to the dog in a shrill sing-songy voice, “oh I can’t stay mad at you, no I can’t. You’re so cute, yes you are, yes you are. You’re the only one I love,” as Josh raised the volume of the television to drown out his wife’s song and his own inner thoughts.
By Joseph Powell