Between tourettic and repeated shouts of “Thoughts and Prayers, Thoughts and Prayers” the leaders of the Republican Party’s Tea Party Freedom Caucus explained to their very thoughtful and prayerful constituents that their policy would be to continue to politicize mass shootings “even though even I have to admit its pretty fucked this happened at a country music concert. It’s like, those are our people, dude! What are you doing?””We need to use this tragedy as a teaching moment to have a conversation about rational gun laws and why they should never ever be passed,” said Rep. Darth Meadows (R-NC), leader of the Freedom Caucus, who was fucking drowning in his thoughts and prayers.
The NRA agreed, crowing that gun violence has given it a really preeminent platform for so many years. “If you don’t discuss America’s gun violence epidemic after a tremendous “incident” like this, when will anybody really care about it, or the NRA, at all?” said NRA Spokesperson Ephraim Whiteman. “In the 1990s the NRA only got interviewed on TV when Tom Selleck or Charleston Heston did something stupid on TV. Not we get prime time coverage like 3-4 times a year.”
“This attention is the result of years of extremist lobbying,” said Mr. Whiteman, who takes full responsibility for this act of white terror, which he made clear was the subject of his many thoughts and prayers.
By Franklin Fidel
Editor’s Note: In case you couldn’t tell, this article is a satire. What isn’t satire is the fact that gun violence is preventable and we should demand our leaders do more to prevent it. More Americans died in Vegas than Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and Maria combined. If Congress can nearly unanimously respond to those emergencies with funds, they should be able to pass commonsense gun regulations.
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