Pitbull’s browser history reveals a confounding truth: Pitbull secretly prefers corgis.
The Plantain’s reliable-but-super-anonymous source reports that 5 of Pitbull’s 8 most recent Google searches involved corgis, the prissy British dogs known for their short legs and upright ears. The searches included “dwarf corgi puppy,” “Queen’s corgi Susan,” “Steadfast Stanley animated corgi,” and “corgi so cute lol.”
Pitbull’s thick and sexy housekeeper, James, confirmed today that he located a copy of Corgi Nation Magazine on the lighted lucite shelf near Pitbull’s toilet, immediately in front of the cigar dispenser.
A Miami-Dade County Ordinance currently prohibits residents from owning pitbulls, a breed thought to be preternaturally aggressive and which has long been associated with the type of manicured masculinity, rebelliousness, and YOLO-yelling behavior prevalent in Pitbull the sort-of rapper’s songs and Miami’s trashiest clubs.
“Corgis are all bitches” responded Jorge Ramos, Calle Ocho resident, devout Pitbull fan, and veterinary school dropout. “I guess they’re pretty cute though”, he conceded with a giggle after being shown a picture of a midsized corgi named Bess playing with a soccer ball.
When asked for comment, Mr. 305 smirked seductively behind his fresh aviators, causing this reporter to forget her troubles entirely.