Publix Opens Discreet Bakery Entrances for Passover Scofflaws

Publix Opens Discreet Bakery Entrances for Passover Scofflaws

Publix Supermarkets has opened temporary rear entrances to its South Florida bakeries to cater to Passover scofflaws seeking bagels or other doughy treats during the traditionally bread-free week.

The new entrances will also enable quick access to selections of non-bakery items for Jews who want to enjoy chametz snacks such as Oreos, Uncrustables, or Publix subs without receiving a stern lecture from irate family members or religious leaders.

“If my wife or someone from shul catches me eating a sub in here, I’m—pardon the expression—toast,” said Ira Silverstein, 58, of Aventura.

Plantain reporters also spoke to Amanda Klein outside a Weston Publix, who revealed she was returning to the store tomorrow for some ham croquetas, a “double foul” according to her rabbi, and a “triple foul” according to her mother, who insists the single 33-year-old accountant “watch her figure” because she “isn’t getting any younger.”

The supermarket chain has set up an encrypted email server and anonymous phone number to facilitate pre-orders. It will also package bread products purchased at its rear entrances in empty Manischewitz Matzoh boxes to help conceal its customers’ goyish behaviors.