The City of Miami is reportedly in a fucking tailspin after a report commissioned by Your Own Common Sense, LLC details how a brand new soccer stadium will have absolutely no positive impact on the affordable housing or climate crises that pose existential threats to the City’s survival.
“I am absolutely shocked,” said Commissioner Keon Hardemon of the report, which details how moving forward on a mega-development of a soccer stadium in a public park does nothing to address the problems that voters elected him to solve.
The City of Miami is one of the most unaffordable municipalities in the Country and also one of the cities most likely to be destroyed due to climate change. The City planned to address those problems by developing a world-class soccer stadium in a golf course by the airport, but the report chronicles how all that does is create more traffic at the airport.
“We really thought the stadium would fix all of our problems,” said Mayor Frances Suarez before showing us several selfies he took with David Beckham. “I guess we need to rethink our priorities,” said the Mayor before stepping out to take a call from Derek Jeter.